348: We Bought a Zoo

Grab your Guardian cap and join us on the moving walkway for an all new LIVE! The Boiz bought a zoo and it’s time for them to implement their vision. Pat wants parks without borders. Matt puts elephants up for adoption. Mister Lister procures a soul for the depths of hell. Plus, what’s the mediumest animal? Can you discriminate against motorcycle riders? Why do otters smell like acorns? All that and a kick in a glass, and in a pouch, and it all happens LIVE!

INTRODUCTION TRANSCRIPT

“Live!

From the Beach Bungalow, Beach Bungalow LIVE, I'm Matt, and I'm Pat, and this is Beach Bungalow LIVE!

Here we are, we're on time, we're recording. And Matt, can I get a few things off my chest?

Oh my god, you go first, and I have things that are on my chest I need to get off. So let's do, let's call this something. Like chest, chest, chest day.

Chest bursters.

Chest bursters. So. Presented by.

“Presented by maybe you. Yeah. Spring has sprung, and with it, Matt, a couple of things are happening.

Number one, two of my greatest enemies have returned to the earth.

No.

One of them being bugs. Some saw many bugs today, like a lot, like a crazy amount of bugs. The weather was above 65 degrees for the first time.

And then, even worse, motorcycles are back.

Oh, man.

The fucking worse people.

If you could eliminate one or the other, what would you get rid of? Like ban on motorcycles or no more bugs?

I think it's bugs, but it's really close.

Okay.

So I actually think, can I get a hot take off my chest too?

Yeah, please. This is chest-bursters, man. Let it ride.

Let it burst. I think it's okay to be racist towards people who drive motorcycles.

Okay. Well, let's not say racist.

Okay. Well, what would I call it?

Let's call it bicyclist. Because I have a thing against people who ride bicycles too.

“Me too. I also hate bicyclists, but...

Bicyclist-ist?

Okay. But with a bike-ist? Bike-ist.

No, because then it's like heavy on the bicycle. I want it to be equal hate.

Yeah.

It is hate. Just to be clear, it is hate.

Yeah, we are... Yeah. But I don't think motorcyclists are a protected group, right?

No, I say racist because that's the sort of like... That is like the level of disdain.

Right. And I do want to be clear to listeners, when we say racist, that makes it sound like we're against a race of people.

Okay.

So no, but that's not...

Okay, but listen, racist because bikes race.

That's sort of like in that Fast and Furious, when they go to race wars, but it's just like a big racing competition.

There's got to be something. Are we motorist? No, because we don't mind cars.

Other kinds of motors.

Yeah.

All right.

Two-wheeled, bi-wheeled, we're bi-wheelist.

Bi-wheelist?

Yeah. I think that sounds better.

That sounds right. So, okay, so you're bi-wheelist.

Yeah. And literally...

And insectist.

“Yes. But literally, like 10 minutes into being outside on a 65 degree day, I saw two motorcycles zoom past my car doing wheelies, being wicked loud for no reason.

And you know what was fucked up about it? Who was driving those motorcycles? Fucking caterpillars, dude.

Bugs, yeah. I just like, dude, I am so, so over it. Because like people will be like, oh, motorcycles are loud because they need to be noticed on the road.

Don't drive a motorcycle. If you're worried about that, go drive a fucking car.

That's not, first of all, Lil Wayne told us many years ago, real Gs move in silence like lasagna.

Correct.

So if you think that being loud is still cool in 2026, I got news for you. I got news for you.

I got news for you, brother.

You are the least cool.

Extra, extra, read all about it. Local Loser is loud on his corner for a cycle.

You're being a real lasagna right now.

Yeah. I just like, they don't need to be that loud, okay?

Do you remember, and like, this is probably gonna be a hashtag Matt exposed, but like, when you were younger, did you kind of feel like being loud a little bit? Like, did you like blast your car music, blast the music in your car?

Yes, of course I did. Of course I did. But you know what happened, Matt?

You grew up, right?

I fucking grew up.

But I don't think people are growing up.

I would agree with that. I would agree with that.

Can I say something?

Be brave.

I really wonder how much COVID had to do with this.

Nothing actually. COVID didn't have any effects, but nice try. All right.

Okay.

Because I'm seeing a lot of failure to launch in society lately. And I keep thinking there's certain people who I'm like, oh, you're in your 50s and you've been acting, and this is not COVID related. Now I'm segueing into something else.

You're in your 50s, and I could tell that when you were 15, you were acting exactly the same way as you're acting now.

Nothing's really changed.

Yeah, like it doesn't seem like you've had growth.

“Yeah, I'm seeing a lot of that. Maybe it has to do with the bugs coming back. I don't know what's causing it, but-

We're not in a cicada year, right?

I don't think so.

Yeah, so that's good for you. Now I'm a known bug lover.

Correct. Bug sympathizer, bug sympathizer.

Yes, right, so I can't really comment on that, but I do agree, motorcycles, not cool.

I'm just like-

Dangerous, not cool.

Every time every person around you, unless they drive a motorcycle, they're like, come on, dude.

Yeah.

Every single person thinks that.

There's no one who's just like, hell yeah.

Yeah, nobody, nobody.

Except the person driving.

Yeah.

The motorcycle.

Or they're thinking, hmm, how can I snake up to the front of this red light?

Oh yeah, they're be snakin.

Which I don't have a problem with, admittedly, but it is something that they do.

Yeah, that's another just fact about motorcyclists.

Correct, yeah, but like I do have a problem with the loudness. That's my big concern here.

Can I get something off my chest now? Yeah. All right, so as you know, spring has sprung, which is amazing.

Yeah, we all love it.

Flippo and I had just the greatest banger of a day.

Yeah, how many pictures of abandoned parking lots did you take?

Last Saturday, none, but like we went for a walk on the Beltline, and that's like a little walking path, and we got-

Love the Beltline.

Yeah, got some coffees, went and saw Ready or Not 2, went home.

How was it?

It was good.

Yeah.

It was good.

I like the first one with the lady with the angry face.

Yeah, well, Lady with Angry Face is still in the second one.

Yeah.

But it's good. You know, walked home, watched Mamma Mia, also good. Pierce Brosnan, super hot.

But like, there was a- I think it was like a taco crawl going on.

Yeah, it sounds like city lib stuff.

Yeah, like, which admittedly is a very fun idea. Lines are too long.

Dawg, every time I hear about something like this, I'm like, wow, what a great idea that I wicked don't want to participate in.

Yeah.

Because I know you're going to ruin it. It's going to be overcrowded and it's going to be shitty.

Yeah. We like, we're walking, we were walking by like one taco stand set up thing. The line was at least like 50 people deep.

And I'm thinking to myself, if it's that deep, that means that they're not prepping their tacos very fast. Those people are going to be in line like 40, 50 minutes.

Yeah.

Why is that fun? And why are you? I just, it was just like...

Listen, you hear taco crawl.

Yeah.

And I'm like, all right.

All right. Yeah.

Right? Like that's like, right. But and then you show up and it's two 12 year olds building tacos out of a taco stand and had never done it before.

Yeah.

And I'm like, who's overseeing this operation?

Right.

Like I get, I get like, it sounds like a great idea in an, in, in a bubble. But then when you, once you get in the real world, it's always overwhelmed. It's always too much.

It's a great idea if like you were the only one participating. Yeah.

Exactly. Exactly. I will do a taco crawl around my kitchen.

That sounds great.

Yeah.

That'd be awesome.

I also think like a crawl and like some sort of food festival might be a different thing, but they are different.

Yeah, for sure. A crawl is like there's traveling involved.

There's traveling involved. So you're waiting in this line. I'm just trying to I'm just thinking in terms of like what might be more enjoyable.

Like if you're in a if you're in a festival setting, it might be like, oh, the line there is a little long. Let me go get in this other line first. That's short and circle back.

Whereas you've already traveled to this taco stand. You kind of got to wait in the line or else you're really not participating in the taco crawl.

Yeah, if I'm doing a crawl, I expect to show up at a taco place and everything's ready. And I'm just walking in, I'm grabbing a taco. Yes, it's grab and go.

I grab, I go, I eat, that's it.

Yeah, yeah, agreed.

A festival, I'm assuming there's gonna be some waiting.

The other issue that I'm having is now that it's spring, it's fun to go, at least in this lib city that I'm in. Although not really libby. It's very weird and Christian, but we can talk about that in another episode.

It's fun to sit out on like a porch or on like a patio of a restaurant, have yourself a drink.

Yeah.

Too fucking expensive, dude.

Yeah, you can't do it anymore, dude.

Too expensive. We went to, Kenzie and I went out to a date night. I didn't get a cocktail.

It was $18 for a cocktail.

Yeah, man, that's the fucking going rate.

I'm like, I'm not doing, I even said to Kenzie, I'm like, I'm gonna say something. She's like, don't. It's predatory.

Like, oh man.

Dude, the only place you can get a reasonable cocktail is on your deck at your house.

Yeah.

Like I'm not fucking doing it anymore.

I know, I know.

I'm sorry. I can't.

I know. That's where I was at on Friday. I'm like, I can't do this.

No.

She's like, it's okay if you want to have one because like you were looking forward to having one. I'm like, yeah, I'm not anymore.

Okay. So then like you, yeah, exactly. So then you go out and let's say they have like a peach sour twist, a martini on the menu, right?

I know you're a big peach guy. You love those frilly drinks, but then you're like, what if it sucks? And it's $18.

What if it sucks? And more likely, what if it's really watered down? And I'm getting like no alcohol out of this.

And that's the other thing. Have you seen the price of mocktails nowadays?

Yeah, they're the same as cocktails. They're the same as cocktails.

I'm like, what?

For juice?

It's... What are we doing?

Dude, it's undoable. You can't do it. I spent the...

This last weekend redoing... We had a pool when we bought the house. We tore it down, right?

So I've just had a circle of flat sand in my yard. Beautiful. So yeah, it's fucking great.

Looks like a fucking crop circle. So this weekend, I redid it and turned it into a picnic area for us. Oh, fun.

So by the end of the week, we'll have an official picnic area once the table arrives and stuff. But now we have a nice outdoor place to sit. That's not our deck.

And I'm wicked excited about it because I don't have to go somewhere else to drink outside or have a meal outside or anything. Yeah. And then I can bring my kids and they can just be like hell all over my yard.

I don't have to worry about people like you who are miserable about that stuff.

Right. Of like, hey, I came out and you're ruining my good time.

Yeah. I don't have to worry about those sort of people.

Right.

But yeah, man, it's just not doable.

Yeah.

I think it's a little bit different for you with having a family. My family is just Kenzie. So we like to go out.

Yeah.

And we get a little bit more enjoyment of like out of the people watching and out of the, you know, being at a restaurant and being waited on and stuff like that. Like for you, I feel like the value system is a little bit different.

Yeah, that's true.

You know, because like I can have a drink on my... We have a balcony we could sit on. Yeah.

Not really the same.

No, it's like I want to go out. But like, I can't justify spending that much on a watered down peach fizz.

You get two peach fizzes and some jalapeño poppers. We're talking $75 before you're fucking out the door. And that's not an exaggeration.

It's fucking nuts.

Yeah, I know. It's so crazy. But otherwise, spring has sprung.

The weather's been beautiful. It's feeling good. Things are looking up.

Yeah, sun's out. I'm loving it.

Yeah, I've been working out like crazy, dude. I don't want to brag, but I think in a couple more weeks, I might see some progress for the first time in a long time.

You think so, huh?

Yeah, I do. You know what? I think everything's going to be okay.

Wow. Honestly, it's relieving to hear you say that.